I’m the proud owner of…..
…well if I told you straight off I’d have given away the
funny bit of the story wouldn’t I?!
This week’s tale starts with the realisation that my
bootilicious self really needed to invest in new underwear. Saggy pants and
bras with emerging underwire had become prevalent in my wardrobe. Not only unsightly
(unsupported tummy alert) and uncomfortable (what’s that heavy feeling on my
stomach?….oh that’s right it’s my boob that has freed itself from the confines
of a bra I’ve owned for a decade) but also embarrassing (Colleague: ”What’s
that metal coming out of your top?” Me: “Oh that’s just the underwire of my bra”
#feeds wire back in and turns scarlet).
I decided to start with the bottom half having reviewed a
recent photo and realised I really need better tummy tamer undies. I head to Marks
& Spencer and to the shape wear. The labels on the display of hideous unattractive
flesh coloured chastity belts are adorned with svelte ladies beaming away with
their naturally flat stomach. You can hear them laughing I swear! I bend to
look for my size right at the back of the bottom shelf naturally – make the
chubbies bend hey. I select my Bridget Jones specials. On which point I must
add that if I had a figure like Bridget I’d skip around in lacy thongs for
sure. Lady at checkout smiles politely as she scans them. I can tell she is
thinking these pants have a big task at hand with me.
That night I try them on….. well I try to try them on
anyway. I get my legs in and start to raise them up. They are snug but I think
to myself this is a good thing as they need to hold on tight when I get them
on. In walks my husband, bursts into laughter at the sight of me fighting with
my new super knickers. I leave the room now barely able to breathe. I lay on
the spare bed and continue trying by writhing around like a snake held in a
tight grasp. It’s no good I’m nearly blue and still my yummy tummy is pouring over the
top. I abandon hope and move onto the top half.
So bras easy right? Lots of places cater for big boobs
now don’t they? Well yes they do but they don’t cater for big ladies with big
boobs which surprises me as surely its more likely? What am I to know.
I pass by the lovely lingerie store on my local high
street remembering my last attempt to explore their collection. The sign says “look
fantastic whatever your shape or size” - they didn’t mean me. In fairness the
lady was lovely and measured me chatting away but then she made that air
sucking noise. You know like a builder does when he is telling you that the
wall is going to fall over unless you spend thousands with him right now. She
offered to look into speciality suppliers on order but I declined.
So I went home and to my computer and online shopping
which is where most of my shopping takes place. I head straight to my favourite
site – Simply Be. A retailer who know women of all ages and really do come in
all sizes and we like a really big range of things…mostly not tents. I dream of
a Simple be shop (with wide aisles and large changing rooms) but for now I’ll
settle for several hours in front of my laptop. I got a little waylaid on the
party clothes but eventually managed to refocus my attention to the job in hand
(they would have to be very big hands). I head to the appropriate section and
start narrowing my selection choosing underwired, strapless and then my size. I
was left with 1 product choice. I can live with that as it’s what I need. Now
before I fill you in on the product details let’s talk language.
I always think ‘plus size’ isn’t the most endearing term
to be honest and recently a question popped up on Twitter from the ever
scrumptious bunch at Simply Be saying that a recent survey showed that us
larger ladies would prefer to be called ‘curvy’. My response was that I’d
really prefer ‘gorgeous’ but would settle for
‘mighty fine’ or ‘delectable’. Labels mean a lot and, I know as someone
who’s had a few applied to them over the years, can make a big difference to
how you feel about yourself too.
I decided to purchase the product I was left with and so
have become the proud owner of ‘the World’s Largest Strapless bra’ I kid you
not!…I await the call from Guinness.
